Talking To Your Parents About Downsizing

Talking to your parents about downsizing….It’s not easy to see our parents aging.  It’s also not easy to have honest conversations with them about what they can really manage when it comes to their home.  Whether they have current ongoing health issues or whether they’re still relatively spry, there comes a time when it becomes worth planning for the future.

You have to tread carefully, though.  Even though you clearly only want the best for them, it can be hard for parents to hear from their kids that they’re not capable of managing as much as they once were.

Why is it so hard talking to your parents about downsizing?

Like any other touchy subject, it’s important to consider both your tone and your message when you talk to your parents about alternatives to their current home.  They need to hear that what you’re saying is coming from a place of love, and they need to feel that it’s done tactfully and respectfully.  They may not agree with you right away (or ever) but it may still be time to broach the subject.

It’s important to remember that it’s not just a house that’s too big, too much maintenance, or maintenance costs.  A house for a lot of people is about the memories attached to it.  Maybe it’s even the memories of you as a little thing, toddling around.  Christmases spent under the tree in the living room.  The front porch glowing with hand carved pumpkins and kids in Halloween costumes.  Maybe it’s just safety and familiarity; knowing which step on the front porch is tricky or relaxing into an easy chair in the safety of their home.  

It’s also hard for them to come to terms with their own eventual mortality.  Bottom line is that there is no one clear cut best way when talking to your parents about downsizing.

There are so many feelings at the root of all this; no wonder that parents sometimes react badly to their children’s well-meaning attempts.   That’s not to say that you’re wrong to try; of course you’re not!  You’re caring, considerate, and helpful to think about what the house means for them in terms of their lifestyle.  

If you want to have an open dialogue with your parents about their house and future, here’s a few pointers:

Watch your approach when you talk to your parents about downsizing

If you think it is time to consider downsizing to something more appropriate for their stage of life, don’t call it a ‘stage of life’; in fact, I advise against it! No one (including you) likes to be reminded they are aging and less capable than they used to be. I think a more tactful approach is to stick to the facts when talking to your parents about downsizing.

As we get older and have families of our own, WE begin hosting holidays and making memories with our families. Nothing stays the same. Maybe keeping up with a huge house won’t make financial sense if you aren’t able to visit as often? Maybe the grands will be visiting you more frequently to see grandchildren’s recitals and soccer games. Perhaps you start vacationing somewhere other than with relatives to have family experiences?

That’s been the case with my mother and it helped to make a logical argument for her to consider. She didn’t need a 3 story Cape Cod back in Maryland; I was too far away to be of any help and she was certainly missing making memories with her grandchildren. Baking Christmas cookies. Reading a bed time story. Helping with homework. All things she excelled at as a mother and now even more-so as a grandmother.

If you don’t use all the space.

If the only reason someone enters that second / third / fourth bedroom is to dust, it’s time to downsize.  They have too much space; it’s not worth the extra accumulation of stuff, the money spent on utilities, and the taxes paid.

If they’re hesitant to admit that the space is unnecessary – because so-and-so might come visit for Christmas or because a guest room is critical – talk with them through it.  How often do people visit?  What family traditions do you have surrounding holidays and other special events?  Does the space get utilized?  Is it EVER utilized?  

Perhaps its important to have one guest room, or even two, depending on how often the spaces are used.  Do your parents have siblings, friends, or other children who live out of town and visit with some frequency?

Certainly, downsizing doesn’t mean sizing down to only what you need on a daily basis.  If a guest room is important, you can find a space that fulfills that need and allows them to live a lifestyle they want.  Listening to those concerns, and meeting those goals, is important.  Help them see a way forward that allows them to both downsize and have the possibility of visitors.

If the yard work and other maintenance is too much.

Having beautiful green grass, a thriving vegetable garden, and perfectly pruned beds is wonderful.  But there comes a time when the space that accompanies a larger home may be too much to manage.

If your parents struggle to maintain the lawn or if they’re paying for professional maintenance, it’s a worth talking about. None of us knows how long we’ll live and after retirement we’re all on a fixed income (more or less). It’s important to be open and honest about a budget and expenses.

That doesn’t mean you have to ship them off to a condo where they’ll have no lawn to maintain.  If your parents love gardening, by all means find them a place that allows them to satisfy their green thumb!  But there’s definitely a difference between a 2 acre lot and a smaller quarter acre or less lot.  Maybe you want some place with just a garden.  Or you need something with a small patio, porch, sunroom, or balcony to grow a couple outdoor plants.  Whatever it is, help your parents find something that will help support their passions but isn’t so overwhelming.

It’s Emotional

Talking to your parents about downsizing is emotional. Sometimes decades of memories are stored in a house. Not only physically but mentally as well. The street where their children first learned to ride a bike. First day of school pictures on the front porch. Pictures of their children ready for prom and later in their graduation cap and gown. All priceless memories and all hard to walk away from. You may be living those moments now and can appreciate how hard this may be.

Also consider they are starting out anew. They have to learn the quirks of a new home. Will the new neighbors be better or worse? The familiar routes they drove for years to their local gas station, grocery store, even their doctors may change. It’s a lot at any age but being patient is key. Being supportive and helpful during the first few months is critical in helping your parents thrive in a new space.

Consider their lifestyle

A lot of times a move can be as much about lifestyle as anything else.  Instead of cleaning vacant rooms and paying to prune shrubbery, a move could provide your parents a lifestyle they love.

Whether your parents love to golf, swim, play tennis, boat, hike, shop, or whatever else, a move somewhere smaller could give them more time to devote to their hobbies.  Many neighborhoods in Williamsburg, and the surrounding areas, boast really amazing amenities, like Kingsmill on the James.  

Being close to use amenities is important when it comes to quality of life and it’s definitely worth considering.

If your parents disagree that it’s too much space or work, maybe they’ll see the benefits of living in an active community.

Talking to your parents about downsizing is never an easy conversation to have.  It’s difficult to strike the right balance.  By understanding where they’re coming from you can help them to find a place that makes the future exciting. Keeping their concerns in mind will help your parents understand that you’re looking out for their best interests.

Downsizing isn’t an easy decision to make, but it can be one that allows your parents to have the best years possible.  Sometimes all of us need a little nudge in the right direction.

For more information, to schedule a showing, or to meet one-on-one, give me a call at 240-381-5596.